the end of the line

This is the end,its a little late from schedule but who wants to end his journey this early?looking back when i was younger whenever an event make it a party,reunion,birthday or just simple get together of me and my family,i always get melancholy after.Yes,yes the feeling of being lonely for the reason that now matter how happy the event can get theres always an end to it,now when im about to end this conquest im longing for that sadness but none sinks into my heart.

Feelings,emotions,love,romantic love to be precise,i must say i did a pretty good job rejecting this type of love.Gone were the days i get infatuated so easily,ive decided long ago,to take this path i choose,i need to completely be invulnerable to every form of love.I rejected and forced myself to stop thinking about going into a relationship and got awesome results.Of course its not an easy task at first but after years of endurance it turns out to be quite useful,i mean there are perks to this as well,one is you get a huge amount of time to use on whatever you desire to do rather than flirting for hours,and to what activity did i made my extra time of use?

Games,console gaming to online or also known as MMOPRGs.When i was first introduced to console gaming by my cousin i found myself,a lot of people are having a hard time doing this but seriously i really found myself in it.Not that i hate other form of games,im pretty good at some actually,its just i prefer console gaming to almost anything for that matter.You may call me a gaming freak but the fact stays the same,the joy i get from it is something i couldnt write in words.MMOPRG stands for massively multiplayer online role-playing game or console game connected to other thousands of player.Console gaming rocks but what if youre playing with other thousands of players?this became my world,it revolves around this piece of shit,nothing is gonna stand and stop me from living on it and nothing ever did,its the best thing that ever happen to me,i dont care if playing does good or bad to me or anyone.

Good and evil,right vs wrong,everybody knows which is which but it boils down to our own personal decision,though im pretty sure both good and evil have already crossed our lives in many ways we cant even remember.Fate,what would it take to change human destiny?consumed by the whirling chaos of destiny,we humans,we’re unable to act as we truly desire.It is said that choices determine who we are or what we become,for me its not about being right or wrong,i prefer wrong though,its being able to choose,stand up for it and dealing w/ it,i firmly believe in that.Apparently i always end up taking the wrong choice,at first i tried to take a different path but then again i always wind up going for the alternate path i strayed away from.I dont know if its just me or this is my already written destiny,even though i never believe in destiny myself,i just cant find an explanation for this matter and even dragging a lot of people in this ridiculously pathetic path.

Path,direction,way,dream.I was in elementary when i first dream t of being a scientist,i was curious boy back then and loved scientific things.I could have been a decent scientist if a pursued it yet i did not go for it,high school days was the time my mind changed and wish to be a game developer or programmer or someone in those lines.Again if i did pursue my second dream it can exceed even my first and be really good at that job.College,i forgot how to dream,literally.A lot of people used to tell me i can do anything,im above average in almost everything including academics.Schooling doesn’t even make me sweat,seriously.What purge me to stop being a successful person?well theres gaming my number one most valued thing,next is booze and smoking and third is anime and forth is blah blah blah.No,none of those were the reasons i failed to dream,they contributed yes but not that much.Digging deeply into my wellspring of memory,it happened back when i was about 7 or 8 year old,as far as i remembered me and my cousins were playing and mimicking some group of crime fighters who serves for justice.Of course all of us wanted to be the heroes that got me thinking who will be the villain?why would i take my question seriously at that age when i only need to think about playing toys.I encountered the same idea back in high school when we were asked what course in college we would want to take,a lot of my classmates wanted to be a doctor,then i got back the eerie feeling back then and wondered what if all of them really did become doctors?I can picture it and its quite disturbing for me seeing all of them wearing white.In reality a lot of them did become nurses but it didn’t affect the balance of our community as i thought it would.Back to that time i did a little research and ended up knowing about norms or normality which is set by the community.That push me in to thinking someone somewhere in this one world a lot of people are doing the exact same thing i am doing every single day,there is a single unalterable path we all take.Wakeup every morning,go to school,go back home,will something eventually happen by doing this everyday?This got me thinking that my very existence is not essential or all important,and somewhere out there a lot of people progresses alike to me.From then on i want to deviate from the norms,i did a lot of stuff normal people wont,yes i gain a lot of attention but at the end of the day i didn’t change the fact that im still a regular,plain,ordinary,not much different from the others,human being.I even wrote about me deviating from the norms on my old blog way back year 2005,i wish i could read it now or quote it but alas the host closed on 2008.The third time ive encountered this eerie feeling of norms again is when i watched the series Haruhi Suzumiya,i got shocked when haruhi revealed she also felt the same way i did regarding norms,although shes a fictional character,that moment was one of my best ones,realizing not only i,for once,is having the same thought or this kind of dilemma.Now if someone asks me why i strayed away from the norm i can proudly say “i hate being normal,im tring to be different and i don’t regret any of this”.

Regret,dissatisfaction,lamentation,self-disgust,nostalgia.im gonna make this one short and fast,i dont regret on anything i did in life and if i were given a chance to go back in time to fix my mess ill use that to repeat this exact same shit just a little earlier.Lifre well spent.

Time.the one thing all of us lacks and doesn’t have enough of.I hate having my time wasted,i despise people who disregards time,i myself is aware of how much of it i have already wasted.Each of us was given a doze of it,yet we only realize its worth when we already lost it.A cancer patient who will only last for a month and an ordinary working person who is about to die in an accident next month,both have the same amount of time left but of course the patient cherishes his time more than the worker.They say live everyday as if it is your last,im saying is to you cause i failed to do it.

Family.I have the best family ever they have given me the best treatment as much as they could but what did i give them in return?i gave them nothing but trouble,sorry im bull crap.i keep hurting my family again and again.I feel sorry for myself that i cant do anything for my family,im an asshole,i’ve wasted their time and effort for me,enough reason to just forget about my existence.

The city will continue to change.Nothing can stay as is.That’s what it means to live.I wish to discuss my insights about everything in this single post but i ran out of time,i deserve to just disappear,im a good for nothing person.I failed to become part of the growing community,instead i became its trash.Im so thankful i made it this far,thank you all.